Archive for September, 2012

When trying to get a message across you never stop at using one method and say now they should get what I am going for. That is something that I learnt in the classroom. That you need a variety of methods to reach people who prefer to read a blog, while others prefer watching a play or reading a book. I feel that my message is important enough that I have set about writing a fringe festival show for this summer.

  The first thing I set about doing was trying to figure out a name for the production company. When applying to the festival not only do you need to send in money but you also have to provide a production company name. Therefore, with this in mind last night I sat in bed thinking of various names that would both entice an audience and let them know what the show was going to be about. Here is the best name that I have thought of so far “An Autistic Production”. I was trying to play on the words an artistic production by so and so. I also thought of something like Mr. Asperger or Aspergers on the Fringe. Well both of these names sound like they would tie in well with my blog they just did not sound so appealing to me.

  The next thing I did immediately after thinking of a production company name is thought about what I wanted to name it. My first choice at this point is pass the Ass-berger; A story of awkwardness, courage and understanding. I thought that this name was clever because it had Asperger in the name but at the same time I thought it sounded funny. As well, to pass on something is another word for impart in this case what I am passing on knowledge of what it is like to have Aspergers.  It also was inspired by Sarah Silverman’s title for her biography which is the bedwetter: stories of courage, redemption, and pee. I read this book and thought it was hilarious and am a big fan of her work.  

I am not quite sure what I will do for a cover photo, however. Most likely a picture of myself hugging my knees to my body and above this image a double rainbow. I don’t know I am not very visually talented. Therefore, if anyone has any great ideas of how I should design my poster I am all ears.

The show will combine material from both my stand-up comedy as well as material from my blog. For example, having one of my jokes “When I was 12 my mom told me I was Autistic at the time I thought this meant I was predisposed to being an autist. I tried my hand at finger painting that did not work, I tried my hand at pottery that didn’t work so well either. I wasn’t even the best autist in the class that was Kyle. But standing in front of you guys right now I feel like I finally found my Aut, I have never felt more Autistic than I do right now.” Than explaining that my art is not acting but being a stand-up comedian and talk about what it is like growing up with Aspergers.

Stay tuned to see how well this show goes over.

Sincerely

Adam Schwartz

Advertisements

 

People with Aspergers will tell you that coming out with the knowledge that you have Aspergers is one of the hardest decisions they will ever have to make. People can be judgemental and mean if you are slightly different or socially awkward like most people on the spectrum are. Therefore, the decision to come out is very difficult because of the fear of being further ostracized or feelings of rejection. I personally never thought about coming out and did not associate myself with having Aspergers for the longest time. Every year during the summer I would think that this upcoming year is the year that I get a girlfriend and become the most popular kid in school and every year the school year would come and pass and I would still be the funny but awkward person in the classroom. I would tell myself, “you don’t need others as long as you devote all your time to basketball and become great at it.” Alas, I never did.

   One of the problems is that every group has role models to look up to and aspire to be like; except people with Aspergers.  Blind people have Stevie Wonder, quadraplegic people have Steven Hawkins, women have Nellie Mclung among others who do people with Aspergers or Autism have? Someone well studied in the issue would say Temple Grandin. However, to any child she is not really much to look up to. She is not in the public eye for her achievements and to what child is writing a book about the treatment of cows at slaughterhouses going to excite? If Natalie Portman or Lady Gaga or President Obama came out and said they had Aspergers than children would take notice, Temple Grandin not so much. I am not at all trying to poo poo her work and think she has done fabulous work and is a really meaningful role model for the cause for adults, all I am saying is she is unlikely to excite many children.  There are some really cool people who seem to have all the symptoms of Aspergers and if I had to guess I would think that they had Aspergers but they have never publicly acknowledged it, therefore can’t do very much as role models. Such famous people include Mark Zuckerberg, based on the portrayal of him in The social network as well as Jerry Seinfield I am judging this on the biography that I read about him. If either of these people stepped forward the stigma around Aspergers would lessen drastically and people on the spectrum would have someone to look up to.

     Growing up I did not even discuss my condition with my closest friends. They just knew that I did not have the most friends in the world and that I had never had a girlfriend. When asked they didn’t even think I was particularly socially awkward but they could have been being nice to me.  I only started owning my Aspergers when I started doing stand-up comedy where I felt at home among other social misfits.

  In stand-up comedy a person will own everything about themselves. For example, the fat comedian will make fat jokes about himself. The awkwardly skinny guy will learn to make jokes about that. I learnt to make jokes about having Aspergers and being socially awkward in order to fit in. Owning my Aspergers has helped me alot emotionally. I have also started reading about other people with Aspergers. I am now quite open with my Aspergers on and off the stage because I don’t know who has seen me perform and therefore would already know. However, having it out there as not been easiest thing. Other comedians joke about my Aspergers and every single time they do my sensitivity to my condition it hurts. Also a girl at a party last year made a joke about how I had Aspergers and was socially awkward. At the time it felt like she was saying I will never have anything to do with you romantically or physically because you have a disability. At this time I desperately wished I didn’t have a disability. However, no amount of wishing is every going to help. Having owned my disability and seeing and reading about other people on the spectrum has made me feel much better about myself, that I am not alone. That there is a chance of me finding my life mate like John Elder Robison. There are even advantages to having Aspergers such as being creative and thinking outside of the box. I am not as confident as other people that I would not trade my Aspergers in if I could but there are certainly worse fates. Now I just want to become a well-known enough comedian so that people with Aspergers have someone to look up to and don’t give up hope and their belief in themselves.

image from http://darliingdannii.deviantart.com/art/Coming-Out-Of-the-Closet-1-203664518 accessed 25 September 2012

 

Holy shit, I get to be part of the Winnipeg Comedy Festival. It’s a dream come true. Most comedians spend their whole career trying to get into their city’s festival. Granted I am not in the big Winnipeg show which is a showcase for all the local talent and is the biggest show for local comedians but getting to host shows at the library is still something right? It means someone recognized I had talent. Granted, I did have to email the producer Al Rae and beg him to let me in the show, which, frankly is not as cool as if he had asked me, but if he was worried that I would shit the bed he wouldn’t have put me in the show and allowed me to host as many noon shows as I wanted right? mean granted it is better to have a comedian to introduce the acts then someone who worked in the library. But if he was really concerned he could have done it himself right? I mean he was in the audience after all. Nevertheless, this was still an act of courage, and generosity and not the last involved in last year’s festival. I mean here is someone who does not know me all that well, willing to take a chance on me when people who I regularly perform with week in and week out are reluctant to put me on their shows where the potential of a turn-out is not nearly as high as any event for the Winnipeg Comedy festival. Especially in a location, that has been extremely successful in the past and has had a big turn-out as far as I can remember when they had comedians like Al Bolden amongst others. They have also invested some serious cash I am guessing because that year they have pretty big comedians such as John Wing and Sean Cullen coming to the library to perform. If I do a  terrible job, off the top that would  sour the mood for the rest of the comedians. 

    I went to the big kick off to the festival at McNally’s. The turnout was pretty good and I got to met the people who were working with Al. I asked one of the guys how many of the days he wanted me to host, thinking that I would be lucky just getting to host even one. They want me to host all of them,  however, due to personal obligations I am only available the one day. Forunately for me the one day I can make it is the biggest one. Where I will be opening up for Sean Cullen and John Wing and not one of the other days which are not devoted to stand-up but one of them is a funny book reading. The comedians on the night of the kick-off are the ever; hilarious Chantal Marostica, OBC,  Aisha Alfa and Al Rae. It is almost impossible to sit in a restaurant and not order anything to eat or drink. Unforunately, I just realized that I have very little money on me and I do not know whether or not they accepted Debit or Visa. Therefore, I order the cheapest dessert they have. It is delicious, and oh so chocolatey, and it makes a very nice treat while watching the comedy. However, the whole time in the pit of my stomache I am worried that I will be  unable to pay. I am good friends with the other comedians but still felt awkward about everyone knowing how broke I am. Well not broke, I have plenty of money in my bank account, that just doesn’t help me if it’s not on me right? What if McNally’s restaurant doesn’t accept cards? That’s crazy talk, right?  My decision to come was spontaneous and ill-planned out. In addition, I am still worried about making a good impression on Al. I mean he does, have a hell of alot of power when it comes to the festival and frankly I have only met him a few times. After the show I  anxiously await for the bill to arrive. When I look at the time and it’s after 12 o’clock so I step away for a minute. Not because I am trying to dine and dash, the thought has never occured to me. I just need to check in with my mom if I am going to be home after midnight, she’s overprotective like that. When I get back I ask one of the other people who’se working for Al on the festival where the bill is and they tell  me that Al had covered everyone’s bill. If I knew this I would probably have been a douche and ordered a few beers and not been so cheap with ordering the cheapest thing on the menu.  After the comedy show on my way home I stopped for gas. Just as I was going through the cards in my wallet to prepay for the gas I was about to buy. It turned out like an idiot I had forgot the cards by the computer from when I was booking tickets for the Debaters. Therefore, I drove home without getting the gas but in my head I was completely freaking out because I had been counting on those cards to pay my bill and if Al had not paid for everyone I would have been royally screwed. I have no clue what they would have done with me. Would I have gone to prison? Would they have called my home and had someone have to come down with money and bail me out? Would they make me have to wash dishes? For Al’s I will forever be grateful, even if I never perform in the festival again. Though, I personally think that I have the library market cornered. Right? “Come on, pretty please?”

  The realization that I had got into the festival as a result of someone else’s generosity probably made me more awkward than I already am. For example, I would talk to other, female, comedians who had extremely long lists of credits and  had been flown into Winnipeg from Los Angeles to do several shows, and then I would foolishly point out “hey I am not even supposed to be here, as a performer” but I am doesn’t that make me sexy. Wow it’s Steve Patterson, if I did comedy for the rest of my life I hope I have one-tenth the ability you have, and now I am gushing like a little girl instead of a comedian. I am not even the best comedian fan. On the last night of the festival, everyone was partying it up at the Academy Bowling Lanes and I went up to one of the comedians and said “hey, you look familiar have I seen you on television before?” and he being the nice modest guy he is said “yeah I was on a show called KIDS in the Hall” and then I being the smart guy that I am and knowing that there were two people from the show there, Scott Thompson and Kevin Macdonald said “oh, you must be Scott Thompson” and he politely said ” no that’s Scott Thompson” over there. That was so emberassing because pretty much everyone knows who they are. It’s like meeting the members of KISS backstage and going up to Gene Simmons and being like “hey aren’t you in a band? Holy shit, your in Kiss, you must be Ace Freehely!”   I have to say to Kevin Macdonald’s credit is he was extremely humble, easy-going, forgiving and had a smoking hot wife. I mean this woman was jaw-dropping beautiful.

    The actual day:  On the day of the performance, I got to the library by bus 15 minutes earlier than the time that we said we were going to start and I was busy trying to memorize the credits for John Wing and Sean Cullen two seasoned professional comedians. I remember John saying that he wanted to go before Sean because Sean was a really tough act to follow due to his unique relationship with crowds and the energy he brings to the room. I remember being suprised because I always thought John Wing was the stage time for an asian comedian. It’s not the John part that creates that illusion in my head but the last name Wing. Why this would be the case, I am still not sure to this day. I remember making jokes to a semi-awkward crowd who warmed up much more to the other guys than me. It could be because they are used to performing in places other than bars for young people. I also remember reading the credits on stage because I couldn’t remember them and then making a lame joke about how John was old because he had opened up for a band that I have never heard of. Not that I am a music guru or anything. 

What really stands out, however, is that there was an elderly woman sitting in the corner who knitted the whole time. When I tried to rift on this it did not fare well, but the other guys were able to get some good mileage out of this funny sight.  It was the most flabbergasting thing I have ever dealt with as a comedian. Who actually brings their knitting with them to live shows? I mean yes I have knit in front of the television or while listening to the radio but that is not directly in the eye-sight of the performers. You can’t believe how distracting and how much it threw me off to have someone more focused on their knitting than my attempt to try and entertain them and I have had my fair share of bored audience members who feel that it is better to shout out random things or talk with their friends than it is to listen to the show but never any knitters.

 Not only did I met Kevin Macdonald but I met tons of awesome people like the girls from Picnic Face. I also met this super hot chick the last night, who was just a girl who came to the party even though she was not part of the festival. I thought that she was  Jewish comedian Judy Gold,  even though she had red hair which is a clear sign that people are usually not Jewish. When I asked her about it she was very flirty and unzipped my sweater jacket that I was wearing. I did not know how to respond to that at all. I don’t even remember what happened. I am not the type of person that gets into relationships easily or even knows when a girl is flirting or just being goofy. It’s an Asperger thing really. Sherry Sutton was also at that party so it was really neat getting to meet her after watching her kill her show at the library the previous year. Talking about what life is like as a Lesbian who grew up in traditional Southern Texas. In addition, she congratulated me on a show where I had no clue how I did so had mixed feelings about afterwards. Her complimenting me was a huge boost to my ego. Because in my head I was thinking that’s incredible that you like me because you are a genuinely funny professional comedian and I am a local open mic comedian.

One of the best parts of being in the show was that I recieved a performer pass which entitled to go see all the other shows that were going on…. For FREE!! It also entitled me to going to afterparties which were incredible. Great food, great company and unlimited alcohol. As I have mentioned before I am not a huge drinker because like many people with Aspergers I don’t like to feel out of control as I already have so little of it when I am sober. Nevertheless, the idea of unlimited free alcohol sounds breathtaking to my ears. All in all it was one of the best experiences in my life.

Waiting with excitement and anticipation for the doors of the downstairs bar, the Cavern, to open. I drove here ten minutes to 9. I hope my car does not get towed because I parked it illegally in the Safeway parking lot. However, I doubt it, because I have been parking there for the last three years and have never had any trouble. However, it is still illegal so anything could happen. This could be the week someone decides to be a real son of a bitch and tows my car or gives me a ticket. It’s hard finding parking anywhere else in the Osborne Village that is as close and as convenient as the Safeway parking lot. Most of the other patrons, have already finished their evening shop by this point anyways.

    At 9, there is a dash for the sign-up board. Some people put clever nicknames down, however, I never have thought of one and I have had plenty of time to think. 3 whole years. My name goes 9th on the list. There are that many other people who have been waiting at the door impatiently for comedy to start and there are even more people waiting behind me to sign their name on the board. After this, its time to shmooze and go up to the bar and order beer with the rest of the comedians. While, some comedians have enough people who think they are the bomb and are willing to shell out the 4.25 to buy them a beer, I do not. The bar have all the major labels that you can buy as a bottle, and before they had Milwaukee on tap for $4 dollars. However, I am not a fan of the beers that they currently have on tap as they changed the beers a few weeks ago.

  At this point, there is few audience members who have arrived. There are some regulars but not many. Not that this is a problem, -yet- as the audience usually arrives closer to 9:30. After checking my watch it’s 9:12 and only a small number have trickled in so far. I hope more people come because performing for other comedians is the worst. As a comedian we are always thinking analyzing, trying to figure out what’s funny or thinking about our own sets, or having conversations with friends. To top it all off most of my jokes the other comedians have heard before, it is very difficult to come up with a new five minutes, every week so most of the jokes are simply recycled jokes that we want to work on honing and perfecting.

  9:45. The host finally, goes up and starts to warm-up the audience. This is to different degrees of success. The first comedian goes on. Everyone always says the bullet is the hardest spot in comedy, but I disagree. I honestly, don’t have a problem going first. It’s not about the crowd not being warm and ready to laugh that is annoying about going first, but rather the fact that the whole crowd who is coming is usually not there yet as they continue to trickle in like a faulty faucet. However, it’s easier to go 1st than 20th. The comedians continue to chat in the “green room”. It’s fun hanging out with your buddies. The first set ends, and you congratulate the first comedian for being funny, even if you weren’t listening to the whole thing. A majority of the time, comedians don’t listen to every single joke the other comedians tell unless it’s one of your personal favourite comedians, or one of the favourites of the group.  Slowly more and more comedians go up and perform. One of the things going on in the back of your mind is “I hope I am not in the final 4.”

   Usually 22 comedians go up on stage for minutes each on Sundays, which equals approximately 3 hours. therefore, the people at the end have it the hardest. The crowd is exhausted and they have just been laughing for three hours straight. They are beginning to want to go home or socialize with their friends because asking them to be quiet this long is quite a straining thing to ask for. I mean I have seen comedians such as Paul Rabliauskas, Winnipeg’s fastest rising comedy star and the sweetheart of the local comedy scene,  Tyler Penner and others killing in this slot but its still alot to ask from both the comedian and the audience.  That is why it is much easier to do well earlier in the night or as part of a show with a set line-up. In addition, in my case, I begin to get tired by 11:30 so if I have not performed by then when I get to the stage I am not full of as much energy and not as dynamic.  

    So during the open mic you watch what other comedians do during their sets to get an idea what will work. You have your own set that you are planning on doing but you always leave some wiggle room. For example, if comedians who do crowd work are having a hard time because the crowd is being unresponsive or being too responsive and trying to talk to you to much you have to decide what you are going to do. It also gives you an indicator if low-brow humor is going to work, or whether the jokes need to be on a different topic. Not planning enough has worked badly for me in the past when I am underprepared but being over prepared and not able to adjust to what the audience throws at you is equally bad if not worse.

 The big moment has finally arrived. The host has pulled my name out of the jug while the previous comedian was on stage and tells me that I am are next. the comedian on stage begins there set while the anticipation of going up next continues to rise. Then he finishes his set and the crowd is rippling with applause. The host calls your name and the dj plays your song. Usually comedians have a song that they always go up to. How does a person get a particular song, I am not quite clear on the process. Usually it is something to do with their personality or their onstage persona for example the guy who is seen as a lady killer goes up to the song “I am not a whore”. I can’t tell you what the song I go up to because my brain is not focused on the music but with getting on the stage and reviewing what jokes I am going to tell. By the time I get on stage I am so nervous, therefore I try to project all my thoughts on the crowd by getting them laughing. Usually my first joke I tell involves the audience getting involved. As a result of my having Aspergers I am known as being extremely socially awkward particularly when talking to women. Therefore, my first joke usually involves hitting on a woman in the front row awkwardly to get the whole audience laughing, such as my new joke telling the girl that “I bet she’s like a transformer, because there is more to her than meets the eye and I bet all the little boys want to get their hands on her.” Once the crowd is laughing, a huge weight on your shoulders is eased off. Suddenly you feel more comfortable up there and have more confidence in the rest of your set that you have been working on. Then at the 4.5 minute mark the host flashes you with a light to tell you to tell one more joke or wrap up the one you are currently telling and end your set.

  Then if you did well, when you are walking back to your seat you feel like a rockstar with everyone congratulating you and telling you how awesome you did. In the past I did not believe them but after bombing on countless occasions I can now tell the difference between when the other comedians and audience members are being genuine and when I feel like they are being phony. How I can tell is based off of how I feel I did. If I feel that I deserve the praise or not. After this you can get a beer, sit back and enjoy the rest of the sets.  It’s considered extremely rude and unseemly to leave before everyone else has performed and the host tells everyone goodnight. Since they have all sat through your set it is only fair to sit through theirs. Some people may have gone for a smoke during your set and you may be annoyed about that but its not their fault they have a nicotine monkey on their back now is it? It’s not like they were thinking about ways of annoying you when they started smoking 10 years ago.

 Walking to your car after your set at approximately 12:30, you either feel on top of the world after having done a really great set or you feel really depressed and are overanalyzing everything that you did wrong or could have done differently.

When I was in Barcelona and Portugal everything was incredible, except for one thing. Most of the old city smelled like sewer, it was absolutely disgusting. Near the end of the trip I was relieved to be going home and escaping the constant stench. Winnipeg, was fine for awhile or I simply didn’t notice. It could have been the fact that most of the time I have been in the city I have spent my time indoors my library breathing stale air,  nonetheless, when I was walking towards the bus today there was clear stench in the air. It smelled of dog poo. Now I know what most of you are thinking when confronted with this possibility that the air here smells, so I will go ahead and answer the silent question. Yes I checked the bottom of my shoes in case I had stepped in dog poo and and no there was no poo on the  bottom of my shoes. Now it is possible that the smell was from my shoes and that even if I had  stepped in dog poo the phsyical poo came off of my shoes only leaving behind the smell or stepping near a pile of dog poo was enough to make my shoes stink. However, now that I type this, I am still wearing the same pair of shoes and I don’t smell the stench.  The other possibility is the fact that the environment outside my house really does smell like dog poo. Like all the stench wafted up into the air from all the nearby piles.

  If Portugal’s city has a smell than Winnipeg during our fall clearly has a smell as well. Therefore, we can hardly turn up our noses at them, instead we need to plug our nostrils with cottonballs and learn how to breathe out of our mouth. Maybe this stench can be a unifying factor between us, Canadians, and Europeans because we both have to learn how to deal with our stinky cities and we will come up with a scientific solution much quicker if we work together than if we work apart.

Forunately no smells can survive our terrible winters;  at least I am not going to be outside long enough to test to find out.

Bibliography

Picture from  idothings.info http://idothings.info/i-have-great-ideas-so-you-dont-have-to-redux/. Accessed 19 September, 2012.

Well, another season of Week Thus Far is fast approaching, and I am very excited to see what the messed up and brilliant minds of the WTF cast can come up with. This crew is made up of a bunch of seasoned comedians, writers, actors and camera men. This means either one of two things either the show will be hilarious or the cast will get so off track having fun with each other that nothing will ever get made. Forunately, the group is able to stay somewhat focused under the stern management of their head-writer Matt Nightingale.  Matt Nightingale does not put up with garbage from owl commericials and he certainly will not put up nonesense from this crew. Often resorting to his Sting impression to get the group back under control. (Only in my head does this actually happen as far as I know.)

To say that I am  jealous  very jealous  of these talented writers and the great show that they put out week after week is an understatement. However, you will never see me working on the show when the staff is that large. I mean, I would constantly be fustrated when my ideas and newspieces don’t get used. Which would be most of the time.  My mind gets ideas that are not readily accepted and I don’t exactly work in the box. Let’s put it this way, most of the time I exist in a different space where Willy Wonka, from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, is the president and the Twits are the leaders of the opposition. That does not work really well, when you expect other people to listen to or appreciate your ideas.

   However, let’s raise our glasses and give cheer to the crew of WTF and hope this season is as good as the last 3. There have been many memorable characters during that stretch, here are my personal favourites; the Kiji guy, the Newfie Fisherman, Canadian Tuxedo mask, and Old Ball Coach. As well,  my personal favourite episodes or sketches thus far, like the Canadian Tuxedo Masks with Dr. Kevin Da Brow or The Scientist, the Halloween episode where the show’s crew drank disgusting concoctions, as well as the short but memorable video of the WTF staff lining up against the Women’s Bison Hockey team. Check their show out every Monday night at 8 at the Kings’ head Pub or Tuesdays on Shaw TV.

Images from

“26 May 2011. It’s Still Easter Season! Clink your Glasses” Accessed 17 September 2012. From http://02varvara.wordpress.com/2011/05/26/26-may-2011-its-still-the-easter-season-clink-your-glasses/p/

Week Thus far

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Aspergers on reboot

Posted: September 16, 2012 in aspergers, literature
Tags: , ,

As many of you people already know that lately I have been publishing multiple blogs per day. However, I am going to be taking a break from this and may not even publish a blog per day for the next while, well I go back and rework my earlier blogs so that they are better. This is important because publishing a blog is not the final goal but rather I plan on turning some of these blogs into a book about being male and having Aspergers and hope that it will go in the quorem of other great books on this topic like Freaks, Geeks and Asperger Syndrome as well as the Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night. I will not be reposting these blogs as the change to them in order to perfect them will most likely be neligble and I don’t want to bore you by reposting old blogs again. Thank you for your continued support and time.

Sincerely

Adam Schwartz

For those who don’t know Rosh Hoshanah is the Jewish New Years. The Jewish people have their own calendar which is much older than the romo-greco calendar we use in society today. Therefore, we get together and celebrate Rosh Hoshanah with our family’s and our friends and often go to synagogue, which is the Jewish church or mosque.

  The typical Rosh Hoshanah dinner is multiple courses starting with matzo ball soup and apples dipped in honey. After that we usually have a main course consisting of salad chicken and potatoes. After this we get dessert which is a rare treat for us. My mom now usually makes pears soaked in wine because she thinks “it’s light and healthy, so it’s good after a big supper.” However,  back in the day when a family who my family is really close with still lived in Winnipeg their mom made this unbelievable strawberry cake.  

 

 

This one particular year, after supper all the children decided that we were going to go to 7-11 and get slurpees.

So the next day in, my class on judaic law, everyone was discussing what they did for Rosh Hoshanah like they seder’s that they went to. They all had these hugely elaborate seder’s since most Jews in Winnipeg are related, unlike my family, therefore they have lots of family in town. Therefore, when it was my turn to share I talked about how we had a tiny seder (a word for a dinner in hebrew. Hebrew the language Jewish people speak.) and how I had gone for a blue slurpee. Everyone thought this was hilarious because blue slurpees are extremely unkosher (kosher word for some Jews special diet where they are dictated what they can and cannot eat. Simple rules like no milk and meat, cows and chicken are supposed to be killed in a certain way that is more humane to the animals and no eating pigs because they are extremely dirty animals).  Most Jews do not keep Kosher.  What makes a blue slurpee unkosher is how they get the blue colouring. The blue colouring is made or at one point it was made before everything is now artificially made in labs, it is made out of beaver tails.  Peoplthey thought the idea of going for blue slurpees on Rosh Hoshanah which is an important day for Jewish people was hilarious. Partly because it was so completely different from what everyone was sharing and talking about since they had all gone to these really really big family seders. 

Why am I sharing this story now and what is the relevance to anything? First off because I want to, and secondly, no relevance to absolutely anything, however, in your blog you can write about what you want to write about and I will write about anything I want to write about the end. If any insight can be gleaned from this story it is how I have always marched to the beat of my own drum.

All the dating advice for people with Aspergers is actually limited, therefore I need to find some real help.

Here are some dating tips you may find.

Make sure to shower daily and wash your hair. (check)

Make sure you wear fresh clothes everyday. (check)

Don’t only talk about your interest areas. Take interest in her interest and ask lots of questions. (Check)

If she says no respect her wishes and don’t sulk about it. (Check)

Be yourself. (check)

If you go to a movie pay, or if she insists on paying pay for chocolate mints or something 

I have succeeded in following every single step in the guide and therefore, should feel really proud of myself right? Wrong, because I don’t feel any better about myself because I am still no close to getting a girlfriend.   I mean I could turn to pick-up artist tricks, which might help such as StyleLife. The only problem is that they get you to do ridiculous challenges teaching you the skills you need. Challenges that I definitely feel uncomfortable trying to complete such as phoning complete strangers and getting three movie reccommendations. Having Aspergers and already being self-conscious about myself I found this task impossible. I tried calling one person and they hung up right away and I never tried again. Thinking, okay, okay maybe you can do the next challenge working up to the skills you need to get a girl interested in me because nothing I had done before had worked in the past so maybe I need to step out of my comfort zone. I’ll just come back to the phoning challenge. Well at the same time being part of this “class” was costing me 100 dollars a month so I skipped ahead. The next challenge was something easy and I forget what it was but the next challenge was insane. Are you ready? The next mission was to go out begging for money until you got enough bus fare for the bus. Isn’t that insane? How many people out there would actually feel up to this task? This is not a rhetorical question I am actually curious. So realizing that skipping ahead would not be of any use because the tasks only get harder and harder and I can’t step out of my comfort zone as far as that I decided to save my money and quit the “class”.

    Which leaves me needing some serious advice on how to talk to a girl and get one to go on a date with me. I mean there was even a really skanky girl at the karaoke bar I went to last night. A friend of a boyfriend of a friend of a friend kind situation, you know it is. So I figured I would at least get a make-out session but I couldn’t even pull that off. Which 99.5% of other men who had any inclination to pull it off could have. I still had a good time and enjoyed good company not wanting to fall into the category of annoying people I mentioned in my previous blog who only go out looking for sex but it was still bloody annoying.

Therefore if you have any real dating advice or want to take me under your wing like in the movie “Hitch” starring Will Smith please do.

 

 

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen any sour patch children and I wonder what happened to them. Are they grown up now or did something happen to them? Were they swallowed up by life?  Did they ever find their real biological parents? It must have been quite an enlightening experience growing up in a pack with children of all different colours. Most of us are lucky if we grow up with a few people a different colour than ourselves. I mean there were very few African-American, Aboriginal or Asian-American children in the very homogenic classrooms of my childhood. Not for those sour patch children, however.

    I wonder if they ever found their real parents, I mean I am assuming they are orphans I have never seen a sour patch adult before. I wonder why they were given up for adoption? Whether they were mistakes and their parents simply could not afford to take care of them any longer. Or if they were the result of teen mothers from very conservative religious upbringings.  Were there parents all different colours too? Or is the different colours a result of a genetic defect or something done to them? Are they the children of a mad scientist? An experiment that went wrong?

   I would be very sour too if I was in their position. I wonder if it was something that they were able to grow out of, however, as they grew up or if they never found happiness and remained sour throughout their lives. How long is a sour patch’s life if they aren’t swallowed by life? Do they have a different size lifespan?  Did they ever get married and settle down to have their own children?

  Isn’t it quite terrible that we never had any problem with eating sour patch children? I mean after all they were only children. Some people have problems eating baby animals such as cows and pigs while no one gives a second thought to eating a sour patch child.

Oh well, I hope wherever the sour patch children are, they are happy.