Why I am just so darn cheap

Posted: February 5, 2013 in aspergers, life
Tags: , , , , ,

I have not always been the most generous tipper or the most generous with my money in the past to the point of being downright stingy. My cheapness has got me into trouble on multiple occasions. One of my really good friends told this girl I was trying to woo that I would go to fancy restaurants and that I would only order chocolate milk (even though, that friend is actually 10x cheaper than I am, I won’t even get into his philosophy about tipping). He did not do this in front of me but when we went out to dinner as friends one night, she joked how she thought I was just going to order a chocolate milk, when I ordered one at the beginning of the meal and it turned into a really embarassing situation. I had no plans to just order chocolate milk but I felt like it was pretty hard to win her over at that point, when she had in her mind that I was a cheapskate. I couldn’t exactly just order the most expensive thing off of the menu because that wouldn’t look good either. It would be like I was showing off that I had money.
I can’t really justify my past, but I can explain my unconscious thinking. As a result of having Aspergers I have always felt like I was never going to mount to anything, that I would never be as successful as my parents and that I would end up as a failure and a burden on society. This internal thinking made me think that every penny I spent today would mean that I would be that much penniless tomorrow, but the penny would never stay a penny in my head but always morphed into an enormous amount. Therefore, if I didn’t spend much money at the end of the day when I was a burden on my siblings and sleeping on their couch when I had failed at everything else I would be that much less reliant on them and more independent. I still struggle with seeing myself as anything but a failure, especially having struck-out at teaching and the producers in the Winnipeg comedy scene refusing to give me any stage-time no matter how hard or long I worked at it. The idea of talking to a bunch of parents with children with Aspergers as I have been invited to do next month scares me. The reason why I think they invited me is because they think they can get something positive out of it, something for their children to aspire towards and I feel this is a misinterpretation of myself because I have never had a girlfriend, still live at home at age 27 and am still a virgin and awkward around women. Definitely not something that I see as a role model for other people to live their lives like. I am not even a professional right now, I have my degree in library-science but right now I am not taking advantage of it and am working as a general reference person, which you only need a undergraduate degree to work at.
Since working at the library I felt like I had more disposable income and have been less cheap and am able to get myself whatever I want, but this has been a long thing incoming and I often still think that I am not being generous enough towards other people and am still penny-pinching, even though I will treat my friends to lunch if they have driven or in other instances. I still struggle with some frivolous purchases such as buying myself a video game, but that is also because I can forsee myself wasting too much time playing it instead of doing something more productive like reading a book.

stock-illustration-2030382-empty-pockets

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Comments
  1. Grndma Chris says:

    I wouldn’t call you cheap, I would call you conservative. I am that way to a point, but I am alot older and have had a good job for quite some time. My stepson, who has Asperger’s is very very conservative, he saves every penny but will on occasion buy himself a splurge that he wants. His obsession is PS3 games, so you can imagine how many he has. But the boy is terrific and I love him dearly, he even will help with bills if we ask. Recently our furnace died and we had to install a whole new one, he generously gave us some of his money to help pay for it, and that was a blessing in disguise.
    So, see you’re not alone, hard times are on everyone these days and our economy isn’t getting better so it’s a good thing you save your money, for we never know what tomorrow will bring any of us.

    • mrasperger says:

      Grndma thank you for reading and commenting on my post. I unfortunately disagree and think that people should always strive to be generous of spirit and of coin and my conservativeness comes from internal issues I have to work out.

  2. dafflala@gmail.com says:

    But it is good is you are living your life and pursuing your interests. That is what we want our kids to. That that IS possible. Regardless of other obstacles.
    Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on the MTS High Speed Mobility Network

  3. dafflala@gmail.com says:

    That is what we want our kids *to see*…
    Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on the MTS High Speed Mobility Network

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