self-hatred a coping mechanism

Posted: February 9, 2013 in aspergers, life, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Throughout life I have been able to drive myself and achieve things no one ever thought would be possible. My driving motivation, however may not have been the most healthiest way of dealing with my problems. You see my main motivation was always to be the best or just as good as everyone else. My condition, however, has not always made this possible. Therefore, when you are not able to accomplish or fulfill what is driving you the discrepancy between the two can drive you mad. If one is smart they will celebrate little victories and strive to be the best they can be. The question, that I have always struggled with is how to turn this little internal voice off or have a positive voice in my head drown out the negative. Is it the outside world who has instilled this voice in my head which I have simply incorporated and made a constant terror in my life. Or is it simply based on my own jealousies and that I created the voice on my own.

In the end, the ownsis of self-acceptance is upon each of us and maybe it has simply been a harder journey because of my condition and the world’s lack of acceptance. I don’t know all I know is I need to find a path to my own acceptance of my place in the world.

Other people have had this pain in their heads turn into physically acting out and hurting themselves. This may be a legitimate way for others I just don’t think this is how I operate.  I can easily see how someone would turn to anything that would drown out the pain, so far I have only turned to video games which is self-injurious enough but does nothing to address the roots of my problem and brings me no closer to any closure. I then kick myself for wasting time playing video-games.

  1. Emily says:

    My daughter has been diagnosed with aspergers. She has been talking about how stupid she is and how “everybody” hates her for 4 years now. She seems to be suisidal. she hasn’t made a plan, but her words are progressing. She used to say she wants to go to heaven. Then she would say she wanted to die. Now she says she wants to kill herself. She believes the kids at school when they tell her that she is stupid and dumb and her teacher last year kept telling her she was gonna fail, (which she didn’t). She is so smart and gifted with art. Yeah she is mostly a c student, but her grades don’t properly reflect her intelligence. As I read in one of your other post, but not in the same words, she takes her learning to heart. She tells me things about geology that I never retained back when i went to school. I can’t wait for the day when she can come out of the closet. I think it may help her accept her disability more. She has so many people that love her, but when she is in pain, she is blind to it. She is starting to realize that she has surrounded herself with technology and is feeling more left out of the world than ever. She hasn’t skyped her friends, which are only skype friends, (accept for one, Anthony) in about a month. She only goes to Anthony’s house on his b-day party cause she is to embarrassed to ask him to come over and he doesn’t ask her. I used to ask Anthony’s mom, but since Anthony is 15 now and my daughter, Penny, is 12. She needs to be the one to call. But she doesn’t, so she is just isolating. I’m starting to ask her if anything fun or funny happened at school, cause every day now, she comes into the car venting about something bad that happened. She needs to see the positive.

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