Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

Autistic people should… be courageous and follow their dreams. Yes, there will be setbacks along the way, but there is setbacks whenever you follow your dreams no matter who you are. It is a hard steep path filled with sacrifice and there is no guarantee that you will succeed, but there is no guarantee for anyone. Yes, there will be extra obstacles in the way, but there are extra obstacles in our way no matter what we do, but you know what? Everyday we overcome these obstacles because we are a tough resilient people with more inner-strength than we will ever know. Yes, we have fewer examples of people who have succeeded in many fields and may have to carve our own paths but we still do have a few shining beacons of hope like Darryl Hannah or Dan Ackroyd. Yes, I know they both start with the letter D and not all great people’s names start with the letter D, but that is fine. Don’t make a big deal about nothing!!

We may want to give up, but all people have their low-points where they consider giving up that they have to motor through. We also may feel like the world is being unfair to us because of our disability, but, then we just have to work twice as hard and be twice as nice. There will also be times we are misunderstood because we are different, we think differently and we make different word choices. Instead of thinking of your disability as a weakness think of ways that you can make it a strength.  Ways how, thinking outside the box can make you innovative and bring different contributions to the table which are equally worthwhile.

Don’t hesitate to ask your family for help. I have a great family, however, if you don’t make your own family. There is a great supportive community out there on blogs and online, people who understand what life is like on the Autistic spectrum and can relate to you and will be thrilled to support you. If you are lucky, you may even find a strong community in the real-world of people you know. There are great places like the Asperger Society of Manitoba to go and make friends and allies. Some people are even lucky enough to have good friends among both the spectrum community as well as the NT community.

Believe in yourself, even when no one else does. Celebrate the small victories as well as the large. If you do all of these things I guarantee you will do great things, even if the outside world doesn’t recognize these great things for what they truly are.

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It is all great and grand to have adventures in the forest but we should by no means try and live there. Instead we need to water our own garden and hope that it grows and bears fruit. A single apple on a tree is going to do more to feed oneself than all the daydreaming in the oldest most gorgeous forest. That will only leave you hungry and unsatisfied. In the end this approach will only drive you to madness and depression. Lately, I have been stuck in the forest and unable to find my way out and back to my own garden.
It is easy to look at other people’s gardens and see how well it is doing but we cannot ever know the conditions that went into growing it.
Especially when the ground that we have to grow our garden may not be the most fertile, or in some cases downright rocky. However, trying to go into other people’s garden’s to try and steal their apples is illegal. We occasionally try to do it, nevertheless and sometimes we succeed but in the end it is a meaningless victory.
We will never feel as fulfilled as we do when we come to peace our own plot and what we have sowed and help that garden grow to its full potential. Since no fruit is better than the fruit that we grow ourselves.
Today, I plant another seed, hears to hoping that it becomes a strong healthy tree that eventually bears fruit.

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I went on Facebook the other day, to be confronted by sad news. That comedy at the Cavern was no longer operating. The bar was still there, they just did not find it financially viable to run a comedy night there anymore. I had taken it’s existence for granted, believing that as long as there was comedy in Winnipeg that there would be comedy one day a week at the Cavern. For the last three years I had been basing my schedule around doing comedy there. Not accepting  really early shift on Monday because I was going to be out late drinking and hanging out with my buddies until as late as 2 am some nights.

Hearing about the closure of comedy at the Cavern was absolutely horrible. Many great comedians, much better than myself, had had their start there. The worst part is that they had announced the end without giving us advanced notice. If there had been more advance notice many more people would have gone to say their goodbyes and pay homage one last time. I would have definitely made sure to have done a better set as my final one there if I had known the week before that it was my last one. It’s like having the last conversation that you will ever have with someone close to you, whether, that’s a family member, a cherished friend, a beloved teacher a fight over what channel to watch. Something so meaningless that you two don’t even remember what you had been fighting about the night before, but, knowing that it left a bad taste in both of your mouths and knowing that you will never get the chance to say that you’re sorry.

I hope in my heart of hearts that the Comedy night at the Cavern, knows I didn’t mean that horrible set and its last memory of me wasn’t of it. That it has fond memories of me and the times we had together, whether hanging out in the back being chatty Cathys with the other comedians or of being on stage. The show helped me learn to accept my Aspergers and who I am, and that I can be a meaningful voice in raising awareness of the disability. This whole blog would not have been possible if not for that night in that dank, poorly ventilated bar. Where they had drink specials of a pint of beer for $4 dollars.

The Comedy night, has done more to help me make friends and learn what it means being part of a group than anyone or anything else.  Sure the night will have successors, has its partner Thursday nights at the Rose’n’bee still fights on, despite its changes its changes in management of the bar. Also another open mic show opening up the same night just down the block at The Pulse opening up but who knows if I will ever have the same give-and-take relationship that I had with Comedy at the Cavern with any of the other shows. What I am trying to say is that Comedy Night at the Cavern will be sorely missed.

 

 

For awhile, I was in a sketch comedy group and thought about writing SNL type sketches and thought it would be completely awesome and the group I was in would go on for multiple years. Some of the cast members may have gone to bigger better things but that the group would mostly remain the same. This idea was shattered when the group asked me to leave. They thought they were too cool for me or something.

 At the time, it felt just like when I was kicked out of the teaching profession and in many ways it was. That it would torment me for a long time as something else that I failed at.  The biggest similiarity between the two, however, was that neither of them were truly a good fit. Leaving the sketch writing group was really also in my best interest as the group would never use any of the sketches that I worked so hard on writing, while balancing comedy, my job, and masters program. Therefore, angry at the group I hoped that they would fail and realize too late how they needed me to keep the group moving forward and that I was central to it even though they had not realized it at the time. When the group eventually did fail, however, without achieving any enormous success I should have been overjoyed that my dreams had come true. That they were nothing without me. While in fact it did not bring me any real happiness seeing them fail. True it did not make me particularly sad but it didn’t make me feel any better. Therefore, this negativity didn’t help anyone. It even made me waste time being resentful and wasting my brain cells on useless thoughts instead of what I could do to make my situation better.

     When I was younger and I was really jealous and angry with one of my classmates I wished that he got really bad acne. Now I am not saying that he didn’t deserve it, because he was a really ratty child. He threw soccer games at recess when I was the captain because he was such a jerk. What I am saying is that when he got older his skin cleared up and instead I was the one who got acne.

  I wished ill will on someone else recently and today I pulled a muscle in my neck. I don’t know if I actually believe in karma or what goes around comes around. What I do know is that negative thinking is bad for the body and the soul so learn from my lesson and don’t do it.

 

Making friends really shouldn’t be so difficult. All you should really have to do is listen to the other person, have things in common and be generous. At this point, however, I have been spurned so many times that I am reluctant to keep on trying, but by golly thats what a person simply has to do. For example. I will write to someone who I have not hung out with in awhile, or someone I want to be friends with on facebook and say want to go for a drink thursday? Then either I don’t get a reply or they say they are busy. Having a date in mind and having a plan is much better than asking someone if they want to hangout sometime. Since if you don’t set a time-period they will simply say “yes sounds good” and never suggest a time.

   How can someone think of finding themselves someone who they can have intimate relationships with, if they can’t even find someone who is willing to get to know them in the first place, irregardless of gender. When I invite them to an event that I know we both like, they often say “sorry, I already have plans to go with someone else.” A person, cannot simply go cruising the gym or bar and go up to someone and be like “hey, want to go somewhere else and play video games?” They give off the wrong message and are likely to have their offer spurned. If the other person does accept their offer, however, they often will have the wrong idea in their heads and may try to kiss you which would be gross. Eww!! At the gym, you can’t see that they are watching the football game on their screen and ask them to take their earphones out of their ears so that you can invite them to your place to watch the football game. They will be weirded out and say that they have their own lives. I am aware that they have their own lives, just like I have my own life. I just want those two lives to overlap so that I can enjoy their companionship and they can enjoy mine.

  A person cannot even think of making a move on a girl if they are worried about scaring away their only friend. However, the less friends you have the more likely you are to misinterpret their thoughts and actions and develop romantic feelings when they don’t even want your companion-able feelings. It is like anything in life the more friends you have the easier the time it is making more friends. However, how do you make that first new friend?

Don’t get me wrong I do have a few good friends, not counting my family members, and am not completely lonely I just want to be able to make more.

  Alright, thank you for reading my blog if you have any suggestions don’t hestitate to post them in the comment section.

(nothing says failure more than this picture.)

We are taught to fear failure, hate failure. It is instilled into us at a very early age that there is nothing worse than failing. That we need to avoid it at all costs. This, however, is not the case. Failure can be a friend and an ally.

From a very early age I aspired to be a teacher, I dreamt of being a teacher there was nothing more noble or worthwhile of a profession. What can make more of a contribution than to shape the future minds of the world. The people who make the largest contribution in our lives from a young age other than our parents are our teachers. In fact, we often spend more time with our teachers at a young age than we spend with our own parents. A good teacher can stick with us for the rest of our lives. I have multiple teachers who will forever have a warm place in my heart such as Mr. Oberman, my 8th grade english teacher, Dinne Hallis, my kindergarten teacher, Mr. Dempsey, my math teacher. Therefore, I went into the  teaching program at the local university straight out of high school. However, once I got into the actual classroom, I was vastly unfit for teaching. The students would not listen to what I said. They would constantly be talking in the back and as soon as I dealt with one fire, there was another one that would rise up. On top of that there was a little girl who was in the front of the room playing with my overhead. Apparently I had not made the writing on the overhead slide big enough or clear enough. Still I thought, if I simply work harder than I will master classroom management. I was already working harder than any other student-teacher out there and getting less positive results to show for my hardwork. I would have continued down this path and hated every single day, if my evaluator and the program had not sat me down and told me that I was a failure as a teacher and that the profession was simply not right for me.

After getting kicked out of the profession I felt like the biggest failure. I went into a state of depression, where all I could think about was how I had failed and what I could have done differently. I had dreams at night where I was still in the classroom and was a success only to realize that it was a dream. I also had dreams where I had the students walk all over me like a welcome mat and no matter what I tried to do it turned out wrong. If I had simply accepted the signs earlier, maybe, I could have got out before things turned into such a mess.

In addition another time where failure helped me is when I thought I could be a professional actor. I went to a few acting classes and really enjoyed it. I thought if I simply worked hard enough that I could become an actor. I, however, had no conception of body language, I couldn’t do accents for the life of me, and when I did lines with another person I was not actually really listening to them or in the scene but was focusing for the cues when my next line was. It was the most awkward thing ever. Yet I persevered at this for almost a year. I was enthused by the possibility of learning and one day being able to shadow people in different professions and help them get the attention and gratification they deserved. After a year, however,  I was able to accept failure which saved me from a life of endless struggle.

I had the same attitude towards comedy and thought that if I worked hard enough at it I would get to go on all the line-ups. I also failed at this and thus far have only been successful at getting spots on open mics but seeing what I have learnt about failure this is probably for the best. It means that I can enjoy doing it for the sake of doing it and not worry about being the best. Since there will always be someone better. Instead I can focus on comedy as a hobby instead of a potential career like many of the other comedians I perform with.

Don’t get me wrong all of these failures including the current one are disheartening but if you look at them through the right light and think positively you can see that they are all for the best. That failure is not something that I should fear or hate but it is actually simply trying to help me find the path for me and is like a signal that lights up when I go off the right path only to help guide me down the road that I am supposed to go down. In addition, maybe none of these experiences have been in vain but they have helped shape me and tell me where I am supposed to be.

 

 

Today is the national day celebration day for coming out of the closet for LGBT which is very important. LGBT people are alot like people with Aspergers because they are often ostracized for being themselves in the same way. They also have to decide who to come out to and when. In addition, like the Austic spectrum many of these people believe that sexuality is also  a spectrum and that it is not simply a choice between loving a male or loving a female. Therefore, on this day of days we should stand with our LGBT brothers and sisters and say bravo for being yourselves. In addition, if more people were allies of diversity the world would be a much better place. It is a hard thing to accept ourselves for who we are with all of our differences when we so badly just want to fit in and be like everyone else instead of sticking out like a sore thumb and risk being ostracized. This is something that I have personally had to deal with and therefore, I have alot of appreciation for everyone in a similiar spot no matter what the cause. Some times this is easier for some people than other people depending on where you are on the spectrum but we have to support our comrades no matter where they stand. 

   I also have a heartfelt appreciation of people who choose to stand beside us and call themselves allies even though they may not necessarily have anything personally at stake and have risked being ostracized alongside us or worse. Many people have recieved terrible beatings for sticking beside people who they may not even personally know, but know in their hearts of hearts that what others do to people for simply being different is wrong.  Therefore, I cannot thank these people enough amd say that we should celebrate these people’s trials and tribulations as much as we celebrate our own.

As long as we have people standing up for important values such as diversity I believe that we are heading towards a better day, this day will come, maybe not this year, maybe not next year maybe not even in my lifetime but a better day will come. I know this is cliche, but there is often some truth to cliches no matter when they were started. This truth may be lost over time but at one point it existed and well a better day may be a cliche I still believe in it. For all the people who have come out of a closet and all the people who support them I salute you.

 

The range of the Aspergers spectrum can be compared to a rainbow.   Some colours are really bright and colourful the beauty of them makes you want to stare and stare, sort of like a girl’s bossom. These colours are loved by all and are gentle and beautiful. They are extremely extroverted and people just want to wrap themselves around the purples and the blues. These colours might go through their lifespan without ever encountering a serious problem or realizing that they may not be as bright as the “regular blues and purples.” Nevertheless, they see no reason to be anything but pale.While, along the spectrum of colours the colours start getting deeper and darker to the point where you get the Yellows and the Reds.

     These colours stick out like a sore thumb and no matter how much they try they are not going to get lost in the mix.  The Reds are not the most outgoing colours and have become extremely withdrawn and introverted finding that the other colours don’t understand why it is so dark instead of being more gentle.  However, if there is any greatness it will probably be found in the reds because it stands apart and is so focused on being itself that it knows no other way. It either has no interest or no ability to be anything but bold and being its own colour. It may have tried blending at some point, but that went so terribly that it refuses to ever try again. 

     Sometimes the other colours don’t know what to do with the darker shades within them and wish they were one the lighter colours but can be thankful that they don’t have more darkness not realizing that the darkness is what gives them true wisdom and understanding, while the lightness in them makes them more attune with what is going on around them. However, each of these other colours are made up of a combination and very few rest in the same place. Therefore, think their colour all of their own and can’t appreciate the blue in the orange and the green in the yellow. In addition, the colours often don’t stay the same, while they each have their own natural colour these colours can be dimmed or darkened depending on the rainfall. It is rare for a colour to change drastically but a few have gone all over the spectrum during their lifespan. Nevertheless, each of these colours are beautiful in their own way and no rainbow would be complete without them.

I had high hopes for online dating because I often feel like I better express myself when writing than when talking. In the end, however, due to lack of success with this venue I am beginning to think that it is time to pull the plug. Cut the life support because this project no longer has life. Any life it does, have is not worth it because it is in a vegetative state and any kind of quality of life that it can hope to live is dismal. I can still try an online dating website for people with disabilities, however, this does not give me much hope. Finding someone at the same level is unlikely, since women’s social skills are usually much higher and they are less likley to have trouble finding someone who is willing to date them. On Plenty of Fish from what I have heard women recieve 5 times as many responses as men do, therefore, I would have to assume women at the same level as me would not to resort to this measure.
  Speed dating would be really like hitting a dead bird. I am in it for the long game because my initial awkwardness will turn off anyone in the first five minutes if they do not get a chance to realize what a great guy I actually am. To be at all successful in speed dating you only have five minutes to create an amazing impression, therefore, I am thinking that trying this venue of finding a mate would be unsuccessful and full of disappointment and self loathing for me.
  So what choices does that leave me? Meeting someone in person and a matchmaker. I am going to deal with meeting in person first. My choices are to take up someone else’s suggestion and start going to a salsa or dance class, find somewhere to volunteer and hope that I meet someone through that or keep spending as much time at comedy shows with the exact same people. Doing a dance class could be fun, I have fun shaking my ass and being silly in public and in private. I also think finding somewhere to volunteer could also be an amazing oppertunity, I just don’t know how conducive either of these options would be working around my work schedule. Most of these activities happen at night which is most often when I am at my job. I could consider rescheduling my work schedule around a once a week activity, however, there is no guarantee of success at any of these venues and if I use my few free nights a week trying out other activities I will have less time for stand-up comedy which is an activity which has brought me many hours of happiness and is a much better guarantee for making me happy participating in. Nevertheless, the problem with comedy shows is it generally is the same people who have made it quite clear that while they are willing to be my friends they do not want to hangout with me one-on-one or have any kind of romantic or physical relationship. I do not hold this against anyone, however, and say feel free to love whoever you love even if it is not me.
     This leaves me with the option of a matchmaker. I really can’t see any problems with this option, I just don’t know anything about it. I know that companies such as eHarmony exist I just have never heard of anyone using one of these sites. Are there still matchmakers you can go to in person? This option definitely warrants research as it seems like my best option. I have to first learn about it before rushing ahead but as I don’t see any flaws in it at the moment it is definitely worth a try.

All the dating advice for people with Aspergers is actually limited, therefore I need to find some real help.

Here are some dating tips you may find.

Make sure to shower daily and wash your hair. (check)

Make sure you wear fresh clothes everyday. (check)

Don’t only talk about your interest areas. Take interest in her interest and ask lots of questions. (Check)

If she says no respect her wishes and don’t sulk about it. (Check)

Be yourself. (check)

If you go to a movie pay, or if she insists on paying pay for chocolate mints or something 

I have succeeded in following every single step in the guide and therefore, should feel really proud of myself right? Wrong, because I don’t feel any better about myself because I am still no close to getting a girlfriend.   I mean I could turn to pick-up artist tricks, which might help such as StyleLife. The only problem is that they get you to do ridiculous challenges teaching you the skills you need. Challenges that I definitely feel uncomfortable trying to complete such as phoning complete strangers and getting three movie reccommendations. Having Aspergers and already being self-conscious about myself I found this task impossible. I tried calling one person and they hung up right away and I never tried again. Thinking, okay, okay maybe you can do the next challenge working up to the skills you need to get a girl interested in me because nothing I had done before had worked in the past so maybe I need to step out of my comfort zone. I’ll just come back to the phoning challenge. Well at the same time being part of this “class” was costing me 100 dollars a month so I skipped ahead. The next challenge was something easy and I forget what it was but the next challenge was insane. Are you ready? The next mission was to go out begging for money until you got enough bus fare for the bus. Isn’t that insane? How many people out there would actually feel up to this task? This is not a rhetorical question I am actually curious. So realizing that skipping ahead would not be of any use because the tasks only get harder and harder and I can’t step out of my comfort zone as far as that I decided to save my money and quit the “class”.

    Which leaves me needing some serious advice on how to talk to a girl and get one to go on a date with me. I mean there was even a really skanky girl at the karaoke bar I went to last night. A friend of a boyfriend of a friend of a friend kind situation, you know it is. So I figured I would at least get a make-out session but I couldn’t even pull that off. Which 99.5% of other men who had any inclination to pull it off could have. I still had a good time and enjoyed good company not wanting to fall into the category of annoying people I mentioned in my previous blog who only go out looking for sex but it was still bloody annoying.

Therefore if you have any real dating advice or want to take me under your wing like in the movie “Hitch” starring Will Smith please do.